The local annual Turkey Trot run had turned into a Turkey Takeoff, as an overcaffeinated, uninformed, and animated spectator gave his best impression of a highly enthusiastic safety patrol person doing a Jim Marshall.
We runners are indeed different! We’re the ones who have been known to pour sport drinks on our Corn Flakes and take lengthy showers in our new Gore-Tex running suit to test its water-resistant capabilities.
I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts! takes a funny look at the peculiarities, quirks, and obsessions of runners of all abilities. Whether you fall in the middle of the pack, up near the front of the pack, or so far from any semblance of a pack that you’re wondering if everyone went home already, you’ll find plenty to laugh about in this book.
I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts! is a comical examination of events that are near and dear to every runner’s well-conditioned heart. As the Dave Barry of running, popular running humorist Bob Schwartz pokes fun at the idiosyncratic personalities of runners and the funny situations they encounter in training, eating, racing, preparing for races, and revolving their everyday lives around running.
I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts! brings out the humor in situations that every type of runner can relate to:
• The intricate art of drinking on the run from paper cups
• Trying to reacquaint fingers to toes after years of tight hamstrings
• Hitting the wall
• Having your heart flutter with the newest cushioned training shoe
• Discovering cross-training contraptions designed to strengthen your gluteus to its maximus
• Getting excited about the latest flavor of energy gel on the market
As any runner with tight hamstrings and a funny bone would, you’ll laugh your way through these and many other amusing stories illustrated with cartoons by artist B.K. Taylor, whose drawings have appeared in many national publications, including Mad Magazine and National Lampoon.
Author Bob Schwartz is America’s funniest running writer. An avid, slightly over-the-top runner himself, he has completed countless marathons (but laments that excessive glycogen depletion at the finish prevents him from fully remembering each one) as well as all race distances from the 200 Meter Kids Snowman Shuffle (where he finished second after edging out a four-year-old at the finish line) to an ultramarathon of 50 miles (a feat he has no intention of repeating). In addition to his weekly syndicated newspaper column, he has had hundreds of humorous essays published in national and regional publications, including Runner’s World, FootNotes, and Fitness Runner.
For anyone who loves the aromatic smell of perspiration, who enjoys the exhilaration of exhaustion, who drinks solely from squirt bottles, or whose wardrobe is filled with reflective clothing—this book is for you.
Part I Training: Avoiding the Fall From Pace and Belly Smacking Into the Lactic Acid Pool
Chapter 1 Rules to Run By (Heh, Heh, Heh)
Chapter 2 Just Call Me Gumby
Chapter 3 I'm Treadmill Man, Hear the Hum
Chapter 4 Around the Learning Curve
Chapter 5 Kenyan Water Aerobics
Part II Racing: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Da Feet
Chapter 6 Runner Mutation
Chapter 7 Not So Scarlet Letters
Chapter 8 City of Lard, Here I Come
Chapter 9 Parade Charade
Chapter 10 Introduction to Ingurgitation
Chapter 11 Send in the Clowns
Chapter 12 Turkey Lemmings
Part III The Mind-Set of the Distance Runner: The Plentiful Peculiarities of the Perspiring Fanatic
Chapter 13 Trick or Feet
Chapter 14 A Streak Isn't for the Meek
Chapter 15 Loony Ways of the Wayward Runner
Chapter 16 Mind of the Lost
Chapter 17 Shoe-Be-Do-Be-I-Did
Chapter 18 How Many Virtual Miles Do You Have?
Chapter 19 The Runner's Better Half
Part IV The Runner's Multiple Skills: Abilities Uncovered in the Unbearable Heaviness of Breathing
Chapter 20 Tegla Take Two
Chapter 21 Aggrandizement Amplified
Chapter 22 Get Your Groove Thing
Chapter 23 You Can't Lose Me Now
Chapter 24 Exhilaration of Exhaustion
Part V Nutrition and Recovery: The Search for the Holy Snail and the Joy of C3—Couch, Chips, Clicker
Chapter 25 On My Way Back to Candyland
Chapter 26 It's All in the Drool
Chapter 27 The Idle Truth
Chapter 28 The Missing Drink
Part VI The Marathon: Would We Be Doing Any of This if
Pheidippides Had Been in Just a Little Better Shape?
Chapter 29 Marathon Madness
Chapter 30 From the Plains of Greece We Come
Chapter 31 Rookie Runner, Hear My Words
Chapter 32 The Answer Is Going to Be Yes
Chapter 33 Coach Rod and the Zone
Part VII Injuries: What Tunes Does the Iliotibial Band Play?
Chapter 34 The Endorphinless Runner's Low
Chapter 35 Name That Ailment
Chapter 36 Run to Glory, or at Least the End of the Block
Part VIII Aging Gracefully: If I'd Known it Could Be So Fun, I'd Have Done It Sooner
Chapter 37 Lifetime Taper for a Masterous Peak
Chapter 38 Which Way Did It Go?
Part IX Competition and Effort: I'd Whoop My Grandma in Tiddlywinks!
Chapter 39 Battle in the Basement
Chapter 40 Nocturnal Decathlon
Chapter 41 Yo, Einstein! Recognize a Pattern Here?
Chapter 42 Running Matters
Chapter 43 Best Laid Plans
Part X Motivation: To Thine Own Sole Be True
Chapter 44 The Motivator in a Hat
Chapter 45 A Very Calculating Man
Chapter 46 Procrastinate Now
Chapter 47 Twin Theories of Running Resourcefulness
Bob Schwartz is a longtime freelance writer who specializes in running humor. He is well known to the mainstream running media. In addition to his weekly syndicated newspaper column, he has had hundreds of humorous essays published in national and regional publications, including Runner's World, FootNotes, Fitness Runner, Michigan Runner, New York Runner, Washington Running Report, Tail Winds, Run Ohio, Oklahoma Runner, Inside Texas Running, and Arkansas Runner.
Schwartz has been an avid and slightly over-the-top runner for more than 20 years. He has completed countless marathons (but laments that excessive glycogen depletion at the finish prevents him from fully remembering each one) as well as all race distances from the 200 Meter Kids Snowman Shuffle (where he finished second after edging out a four-year-old at the finish line) to an ultramarathon of 50 miles (a feat he has no intention of repeating).
Schwartz lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan, with his wife, Robin, and three children. His favorite pastimes are running, laughing, and writing.
ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR Once a creative consultant for Walt Disney Feature Animation, B.K. Taylor is now a well-known illustrator and writer. He has contributed comic strips to many publications including National Lampoon, Hot Dog, and Dynamite magazines; scholastic publications; and various joke books. He has also illustrated Sesame Street books and magazine.
Taylor's work has been recognized with the Inkpot Award, the Gold Brick, seven Caddies, the Funny Bone Award, and the Ace Award.
Taylor lives in Franklin, Michigan, with his wife, Kathleen, and two daughters. His leisure activities include art collecting, traveling, and hiking.
"Every true runner will get a laugh out of this book. Schwartz does a
good job pointing out the wonderful absurdities of our sport." Arturo
Barrios-- Five-time world-record holder
"In this book, Bob Schwartz captures a unique spirit that every
runner experiences regardless of fitness level. His perspective on
running--a sport that can cause extreme moments of both glory and
pain--is sharp, real, and very funny. Schwartz covers all the basics
with a witty voice and a runner's hard-earned experience." Lizzie
Wann-- Editor of Fitness Runner magazine
"What a delightful book. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I could relate to
it through my own experiences. The reading is light and humorous, and it
takes a completely different approach to running. Very refreshing." Colleen
De Reuck-- Professional runner
"There is wisdom behind the laughter! Bob Schwartz makes you smile as
he reminds you that behind the science of running, there is a lot of
laughs and luck! He encourages the runners with wit and revelations that
years of running experience (and inexperience!) provide. I Run,
Therefore I Am Nuts will reinforce every runner's love of the sport, and
pride in their accomplishments. It's a fun read that I recommend to
runners of all abilities." Susan Kalish-- Executive
Director, The American Running Association
"Most runners take their sport seriously--sometimes too seriously.
Bob Schwartz provides a refreshingly irreverent slant on a variety of
topics to help keep a more balanced perspective. Take a run on the
lighter side!" Jeff Galloway-- 1972 Olympian,
10,000m, Author of Galloway's Book on Running
"I Run Therefore I Am –NUTS!! is a highly entertaining
read on every runner’s favorite subject: Running. Considered by many the
Dave Barry of running, popular running humorist Bob Schwartz pokes fun
at the quirky personalities of runners and the funny situations they
encounter in training, eating, racing, preparing for races and revolving
their everyday lives around running. Schwartz’s contribution is sure to
be a hit with both recreational and competitive runners, many of whom
are already big fans of his essays and stories from the many running
related publications for which he writes. "
Dick Weisz-- The Chicago Daily Herald
"The master of this genre is the veteran humorist and runner,
Bob Schwartz. He has contributed to many running publications, including
this one, and now his humorous insights are compiled into this very
wonderful and humorous book. But there is more to the book than laughter
(of which there is a lot!). Schwartz has been running and writing for
years, and mixed in with all the funny stuff are generally valuable
insights about all things running. We have a lot to learn from
Schwartz’s experience and from his tremendous sense of humor."