I could barely believe my eyes as I happened to see the tall figure doing prerace strides across the field. As I kept an eye on his whereabouts, I immediately broke into an all-out sprint over the 200 yards back to my car to grab my wallet.
Taking a look at the peculiarities and obsessions of runners, I Run,
Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! captures the comedy and the
frustrations of the running life like no other book. Humorist Bob
Schwartz offers 43 new hilarious and insightful essays interspersed with
illustrations that complement the amusing aspects of each story.
If you are a member of the HK Rewards Program, when buying a new print edition of this book, you
will be granted the option for downloading the e-book edition at no additional charge. Learn more.
Whether you are just getting acquainted with the joys of running or you can recite the brand and model number of your last 12 pairs of running shoes, you’ll identify with this book as runners did with the popular first volume, I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts!
Best-selling running humorist Bob Schwartz—the Dave Barry of running—is back and will once again have you laughing as he captures the humor, craziness, and obsessions of runners—new and old—with this new collection of 43 hilarious stories.
I Run, Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! brings out the humor in situations that every runner can relate to:
Suffering from RWIA, otherwise known as running watch information addiction
The addictive nature of high-intensity interval training
The depths of despair upon learning your favorite shoe will be discontinued
Embracing the saving grace of age-graded race time calculators
Attempting to run with a reluctant canine companion
Trying out running in the oxymoron of barefoot shoes
If you know that the iliotibial band is not an alternative rock group, wear bruised toenails like badges of honor, and know the feeling of having an elephant resting on your shoulders as you’ve hit the wall—this book is for you!
Introduction: It’s Staring You Right in the Feet
Part I It’s All in the Approach to Make Your Runs Beyond Reproach If it works, then don’t nix it
Chapter 1 Much Ado About Something Style points equal mile points
Chapter 2 Watch, What You Say To Me! Flattery can come from the strangest places
Chapter 3 We Could All Use a Little More Common Dense Sometimes it’s best to “Go Your Own Way.”
Chapter 4 H.I.I.T. Me With My Best Shot Better fitness through masochism
Part II Who’s Running With Me? Alone in a Crowd vs Company While Going Solo
Chapter 5 Solitary Refinement So long solo long!
Chapter 6 Look At Me Now Is it conceit to tweet your feats?
Chapter 7 Forecast: Partly Cloudy, Good Chance of Pain Follow Sparky Anderson’s words on your way to nirvana
Chapter 8 Every Dog Has Its Way You can lead a dog, but you can’t always make him a canine convert
Part III Lacing ’Em Up and Laying ’Em Down Wins, Losses, and a Whole Lot in Between
Chapter 9 What Are the Odds That Older and Slower Equals Better? Using your shortcomings to your advantage in the long run
Chapter 10 Count Me in on Counting Me Out Other challenges after erasing 100-mile races from your to-do list
Chapter 11 Refraining From Explaining A poor race performance may be unjust, but needs no justification
Chapter 12 Log Me In Do elite runners put on their shorts one leg at a time?
Part IV The Road to Injury Is Paved With Foolish Intentions Injuries come and go, but stubbornness remains
Chapter 13 Runner, Heal Thyself! Self-diagnosis begins with a dim guinea pig for a patient
Chapter 14 The Impact Of Nonimpact Finding true love with a sweat-inducing, quadriceps-exhausting machine
Chapter 15 Behind Every Comeback Is a Foolhardy Failure Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, runner rehab is in order
Chapter 16 Malady Malfeasance There are more than two certainties in life
Part V From the Back of the Pack to the Fleet Elite, Runners Aren’t Run of the Mill What some call quirks we call talents
Chapter 17 If the Shoe Fits, Snare It! Losing, then rediscovering, your favorite kicks
Chapter 18 Running Is Elementary, My Dear Simplicity is the father of ascension
Chapter 19 Do What They Say and Watch the Day Zip Away Operating by the book makes for a long read
Chapter 20 Gesticulate in Kind To acknowledge or not to acknowledge, that is the question
Part VI The Nonthinker’s Guide to the Path of Least Resistance Yoda says, “Do or Do Not. There Is No Try.”
Chapter 21 Do What You Want to Do Whatever starts your engine and puts a bounce in your step
Chapter 22 Giving Yourself the Benefit of No Doubt Sometimes it’s best to just stop thinking
Chapter 23 More Than a Feeling Take to the sky on a natural high
Chapter 24 The Time Is Now The times may be a-changing, but our infatuation with time is constant
Part VII The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Nonrunner Weak in the knees while knee deep in anatomy
Chapter 25 Woe Is Knee! The inability to run a step is the first step to admitting you have a problem
Chapter 26 The Arms Have It “You’ll have to stop weight bearing exercise for a while.” A survivor’s tale
Chapter 27 Scope Me Out “A man’s got to know his limitations.” —DirtyHarry
Part VIII Jack of No Trades, Master of Run Learning while on the run is all part of the fun
Chapter 28 Lessons Learned, Lessons Spurned Wacky wisdom gleaned from years on the run
Chapter 29 Who Can Leap Standing Water in a Single Bound? The peculiar talents of Runnerman and Runnerwoman
Chapter 30 Phoning It In Taking the talk test to a whole new level
Chapter 31 Fashionable Fartleks Wick me away!
Part IX Enjoying the View on the Competitive Drive Keeping perspective is good, but elusive
Chapter 32 To Thine Own Self Be You There are multiple paths to the mountaintop. The key is finding your itinerary
Chapter 33 Climb Every Mountain, or at Least a Small Mound Now and Then Go with the flow and redefine slow
Chapter 34 Just Lose, Baby! There is joy in Mudville
Chapter 35 Faster Finishing Counterparts Setting the pace for the race within a race
Part X The Legs Have It! Don’t Be Defeeted Figuring out what will keep you on the streets
Chapter 36 May the Stick Be With You! The magic wand to the land of self-massage
Chapter 37 Not Fully Baring My Sole Less is more in more ways than one
Chapter 38 Rhythm of the Run There will be “Dancing in the Street”
Chapter 39 Getting the Bends for Bending Can a runner with the flexibility of concrete survive yoga?
Part XI Behind Every Nuts Runner Are Very Accepting Nonrunners The Runner’s Family Knows Their RICE from Their DOMS
Chapter 40 For Better or for Worse A union of soles and souls
Chapter 41 Over Hill, Over Dale, and I’m Pale Does the mud bath cost extra?
Chapter 42 Have Shoes, Will Travel Maintaining marital bliss on race-destination vacations
APPENDIX: What Color Is Your Singlet? Lactate or pronate? Swing gait vs heart rate? Cool down with the runner’s quotient exam
About the Author About the Illustrator
Bob Schwartz is the author of five books, including the highly
successful and hilarious I Run, There I Am—NUTS!, and a
freelance writer whose popular articles have been published in over 200
magazines. His humorous essays on running have appeared in more than 40
national and international running magazines and regional magazines,
including Runner's World and Running Fitness.
Bob’s books have been finalists in the humor category of the USA Book
News Awards, the ForeWord Book Awards, the Benjamin Franklin Book
Awards, and the Independent Publisher Book Awards. Bob has also won the
Gold Award from the Parenting Publications of America for his humorous
essays on family life. Bob has presented humorous talks at races
throughout the United States.
Bob lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan, with his wife, Robin, and three
children. He graduated from the University of Colorado and received his
law degree from the University of Oregon. In addition to his writing, he
is the CEO of the Here to Help Foundation
(www.heretohelpfoundation.org), which he operates with his wife.
Bob raised over $50,000 through an ultramarathon benefiting the
Institute of Craniofacial Surgery and Reconstructive Surgery and
received the Dove Award from The Arc for implementing a basketball
program for people with physical and mental disabilities. Bob also
received the Avadenka Award from the State Bar of Michigan for his
community service. He founded the Cheetahs Running Club in the Berkley
School District of Michigan, for which he was awarded a grant from the
Saucony Run for Good Foundation.
In the universal language of runners, Bob has PRs of 2:42:13 for the
marathon, 34:18 for the 10K, 1:16:08 for the half marathon, and 58
seconds for the third-grade potato sack race. You can reach Bob at
email@example.com and enjoy his website and follow his blog at
www.runninglaughsblog.com. Also, catch Bob on Facebook at
www.facebook.com/runninglaughs and on Twitter at @RunningLaughs for
daily humor and running news.
“In his quest to be a better runner, Bob Schwartz has captured
the true mindset of the distance runner. In I Run, Therefore I
Am—STILL Nuts! Schwartz articulates this with humor.”
Jean Knaack-- Executive Director, Road Runners Club of America
"A great many runners take their running extremely seriously.
Bob Schwartz does, too, but in a seriously funny way."