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Excerpts
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Look at Me Now
Is it conceit to tweet your feats?
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If the Shoe Fits, Snare It!
I could barely believe my eyes as I happened to see the tall figure doing prerace strides across the field. As I kept an eye on his whereabouts, I immediately broke into an all-out sprint over the 200 yards back to my car to grab my wallet.
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The runner’s quotient exam—Are you a runner?
Runners come in various types, and that’s no truer than nowadays.
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©2013
I Run, Therefore I Am STILL Nuts!
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Short Description
Taking a look at the peculiarities and obsessions of runners, I Run, Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! captures the comedy and the frustrations of the running life like no other book. Humorist Bob Schwartz offers 43 new hilarious and insightful essays interspersed with illustrations that complement the amusing aspects of each story.
© 2013
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Paper
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Book 264 pages
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ISBN-13: 9781450428569
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Whether you are just getting acquainted with the joys of running or you can recite the brand and model number of your last 12 pairs of running shoes, you’ll identify with this book as runners did with the popular first volume, I Run, Therefore I Am—Nuts!
Best-selling running humorist Bob Schwartz—the Dave Barry of running—is back and will once again have you laughing as he captures the humor, craziness, and obsessions of runners—new and old—with this new collection of 43 hilarious stories.
I Run, Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! brings out the humor in situations that every runner can relate to:
- Suffering from RWIA, otherwise known as running watch information addiction
- The addictive nature of high-intensity interval training
- The depths of despair upon learning your favorite shoe will be discontinued
- Embracing the saving grace of age-graded race time calculators
- Attempting to run with a reluctant canine companion
- Trying out running in the oxymoron of barefoot shoes
If you know that the iliotibial band is not an alternative rock group, wear bruised toenails like badges of honor, and know the feeling of having an elephant resting on your shoulders as you’ve hit the wall—this book is for you!
Introduction: It’s Staring You Right in the Feet
Part I It’s All in the Approach to Make Your Runs Beyond Reproach
If it works, then don’t nix it
Chapter 1 Much Ado About Something
Style points equal mile points
Chapter 2 Watch, What You Say To Me!
Flattery can come from the strangest places
Chapter 3 We Could All Use a Little More Common Dense
Sometimes it’s best to “Go Your Own Way.”
Chapter 4 H.I.I.T. Me With My Best Shot
Better fitness through masochism
Part II Who’s Running With Me?
Alone in a Crowd vs Company While Going Solo
Chapter 5 Solitary Refinement
So long solo long!
Chapter 6 Look At Me Now
Is it conceit to tweet your feats?
Chapter 7 Forecast: Partly Cloudy, Good Chance of Pain
Follow Sparky Anderson’s words on your way to nirvana
Chapter 8 Every Dog Has Its Way
You can lead a dog, but you can’t always make him a canine convert
Part III Lacing ’Em Up and Laying ’Em Down
Wins, Losses, and a Whole Lot in Between
Chapter 9 What Are the Odds That Older and Slower Equals Better?
Using your shortcomings to your advantage in the long run
Chapter 10 Count Me in on Counting Me Out
Other challenges after erasing 100-mile races from your to-do list
Chapter 11 Refraining From Explaining
A poor race performance may be unjust, but needs no justification
Chapter 12 Log Me In
Do elite runners put on their shorts one leg at a time?
Part IV The Road to Injury Is Paved With Foolish Intentions
Injuries come and go, but stubbornness remains
Chapter 13 Runner, Heal Thyself!
Self-diagnosis begins with a dim guinea pig for a patient
Chapter 14 The Impact Of Nonimpact
Finding true love with a sweat-inducing, quadriceps-exhausting machine
Chapter 15 Behind Every Comeback Is a Foolhardy Failure
Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, runner rehab is in order
Chapter 16 Malady Malfeasance
There are more than two certainties in life
Part V From the Back of the Pack to the Fleet Elite, Runners Aren’t Run of the Mill
What some call quirks we call talents
Chapter 17 If the Shoe Fits, Snare It!
Losing, then rediscovering, your favorite kicks
Chapter 18 Running Is Elementary, My Dear
Simplicity is the father of ascension
Chapter 19 Do What They Say and Watch the Day Zip Away
Operating by the book makes for a long read
Chapter 20 Gesticulate in Kind
To acknowledge or not to acknowledge, that is the question
Part VI The Nonthinker’s Guide to the Path of Least Resistance
Yoda says, “Do or Do Not. There Is No Try.”
Chapter 21 Do What You Want to Do
Whatever starts your engine and puts a bounce in your step
Chapter 22 Giving Yourself the Benefit of No Doubt
Sometimes it’s best to just stop thinking
Chapter 23 More Than a Feeling
Take to the sky on a natural high
Chapter 24 The Time Is Now
The times may be a-changing, but our infatuation with time is constant
Part VII The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Nonrunner
Weak in the knees while knee deep in anatomy
Chapter 25 Woe Is Knee!
The inability to run a step is the first step to admitting you have a problem
Chapter 26 The Arms Have It
“You’ll have to stop weight bearing exercise for a while.” A survivor’s tale
Chapter 27 Scope Me Out
“A man’s got to know his limitations.” —DirtyHarry
Part VIII Jack of No Trades, Master of Run
Learning while on the run is all part of the fun
Chapter 28 Lessons Learned, Lessons Spurned
Wacky wisdom gleaned from years on the run
Chapter 29 Who Can Leap Standing Water in a Single Bound?
The peculiar talents of Runnerman and Runnerwoman
Chapter 30 Phoning It In
Taking the talk test to a whole new level
Chapter 31 Fashionable Fartleks
Wick me away!
Part IX Enjoying the View on the Competitive Drive
Keeping perspective is good, but elusive
Chapter 32 To Thine Own Self Be You
There are multiple paths to the mountaintop. The key is finding your itinerary
Chapter 33 Climb Every Mountain, or at Least a Small Mound Now and Then
Go with the flow and redefine slow
Chapter 34 Just Lose, Baby!
There is joy in Mudville
Chapter 35 Faster Finishing Counterparts
Setting the pace for the race within a race
Part X The Legs Have It! Don’t Be Defeeted
Figuring out what will keep you on the streets
Chapter 36 May the Stick Be With You!
The magic wand to the land of self-massage
Chapter 37 Not Fully Baring My Sole
Less is more in more ways than one
Chapter 38 Rhythm of the Run
There will be “Dancing in the Street”
Chapter 39 Getting the Bends for Bending
Can a runner with the flexibility of concrete survive yoga?
Part XI Behind Every Nuts Runner Are Very Accepting Nonrunners
The Runner’s Family Knows Their RICE from Their DOMS
Chapter 40 For Better or for Worse
A union of soles and souls
Chapter 41 Over Hill, Over Dale, and I’m Pale
Does the mud bath cost extra?
Chapter 42 Have Shoes, Will Travel
Maintaining marital bliss on race-destination vacations
APPENDIX: What Color Is Your Singlet?
Lactate or pronate? Swing gait vs heart rate?
Cool down with the runner’s quotient exam
About the Author
About the Illustrator
Bob Schwartz is the author of five books, including the highly successful and hilarious I Run, There I Am—NUTS!, and a freelance writer whose popular articles have been published in over 200 magazines. His humorous essays on running have appeared in more than 40 national and international running magazines and regional magazines, including Runner's World and Running Fitness. Bob’s books have been finalists in the humor category of the USA Book News Awards, the ForeWord Book Awards, the Benjamin Franklin Book Awards, and the Independent Publisher Book Awards. Bob has also won the Gold Award from the Parenting Publications of America for his humorous essays on family life. Bob has presented humorous talks at races throughout the United States. Bob lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan, with his wife, Robin, and three children. He graduated from the University of Colorado and received his law degree from the University of Oregon. In addition to his writing, he is the CEO of the Here to Help Foundation (www.heretohelpfoundation.org), which he operates with his wife. Bob raised over $50,000 through an ultramarathon benefiting the Institute of Craniofacial Surgery and Reconstructive Surgery and received the Dove Award from The Arc for implementing a basketball program for people with physical and mental disabilities. Bob also received the Avadenka Award from the State Bar of Michigan for his community service. He founded the Cheetahs Running Club in the Berkley School District of Michigan, for which he was awarded a grant from the Saucony Run for Good Foundation. In the universal language of runners, Bob has PRs of 2:42:13 for the marathon, 34:18 for the 10K, 1:16:08 for the half marathon, and 58 seconds for the third-grade potato sack race. You can reach Bob at bob@runninglaughs.com and enjoy his website and follow his blog at www.runninglaughsblog.com. Also, catch Bob on Facebook at www.facebook.com/runninglaughs and on Twitter at @RunningLaughs for daily humor and running news.
“In his quest to be a better runner, Bob Schwartz has captured the true mindset of the distance runner. In I Run, Therefore I Am—STILL Nuts! Schwartz articulates this with humor.” Jean Knaack-- Executive Director, Road Runners Club of America "A great many runners take their running extremely seriously. Bob Schwartz does, too, but in a seriously funny way." Rich Benyo-- Editor, Marathon & Beyond
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